Wednesday, October 2, 2013

I'll Never Be Pregnant Again (Part Three)

Life moves forward even when you are hurting.  Isn't that the truth?

But move on it did.  My job at the seminary was waiting for me and Josh's studies continued on - no time for crawling deep under the duvet and sleeping my life away.  We still knew we wanted to have children but we felt that God had spoken clearly on not pursuing anymore fertility treatments.

We decided to look into adoption.  God blessed us richly in allowing the adoption process to move smoothly and relatively quickly (of course, it didn't feel like it in the midst of all the paperwork and all the waiting!). Our dream of becoming parents was fulfilled when we received the phone call from our social worker announcing the birth of our daughter, Kailyn. [Read more about her adoption story in earlier posts].  This journey was not without its difficulties but when we received that call, all was erased.  When I look at her beautiful little face, my heart melts with joy and thanksgiving. 

This is where our story becomes a little complicated.  We were convinced that fertility treatments were not for us but after being encouraged by the editor of "Stepping Stones" -- a magazine ministry for couples struggling with infertility -- we decided to look into it again.  http://step.bethany.org/ (This was about a year after our failed treatment and after we had been approved for an adoption, but before Kailyn.)  At our appointment with a local Christian fertility doctor, he said that he could see no reason why our embryos didn't make it and that if we tried IVF again and it failed, that there would be no charge for his services.  This was quite the offer -- we're talking thousands of dollars.  We were overwhelmed.  I sat in the car and cried.  I was confused -- why would God slam the door in my face and then swing it wide open not a year later with an offer that would be difficult to refuse?  After much praying and questioning, we decided to go for it.  I couldn't believe we were sailing this boat again -- hormones, needles, blood work, ultra sounds ... and like last time, I experienced the whole gamut of emotions from hope to despair, from "this has to work" to "there is no way this can work" and, "what in the world am I doing?!"

Long story short -- we were blessed with embryos!  The day came to transfer the first two into my womb followed by two days of complete bedrest.  A few days later, we brought Kailyn home.  A few days later, I found out I was pregnant.  This was overwhelming.  So much joy.

Then, I miscarried.

The intense joy I felt holding my newborn baby girl was contrasted with the intense grief I felt as I miscarried the two babes in my womb.  To clarify, we miscarried very early on the pregnancy -- in fact, we lost these two before most women would even know they were pregnant.  But this detail didn't matter to me ... they were lives lost.  I was already planning for utter chaos with two (or three) babies under the age of one!  Devastated, Kailyn became my lifeline, a balm for my hurting heart.  She was pure joy to me.  Thank God.

The story continues ... a year later we transferred more embryos.  Once again, I was pregnant but miscarried early on.

Another year passed and we decided to transfer the final embryos.  I had little to no hope that this was going to work and so had already moved forward to begin another adoption.  We had completed our PRIDE training, registered with two agencies and had begun thinking about other options for adding children to our family.  Perhaps I forgot to invite God into this process.

The transfer came and went.  I did my days of bedrest and was careful to follow all the doctors instructions as I waited out the twelve longest days ever. The day of the blood test arrived and I expected them to say "sorry, your fertility journey is over".  I had already hardened my heart and prepped my mind for the news.

But the news I expected, didn't come.  In fact, it was the opposite.  I was pregnant and not just a little bit pregnant, a lot pregnant!   As the next week or two came and went, my body embraced and grew the baby in my womb rather than miscarrying it like the previous times.  I said the words, "I am pregnant" out loud to myself many times over the next few weeks.  

I was pregnant.

For real.

God's plan was working out in my life exactly as He intended it to -- before the foundations of the world were laid, God had my little life worked out to the finest detail.  But let me be clear -- God grieved alongside me as I mourned (and still mourn) the lives of my wee ones I did not meet here on earth.  And he rejoices with me as he perfectly formed the little one I now chase around my house.

God is a God of big and small.  So small that at a six week ultrasound when my baby was only six millimeters long, we could hear and see his heart beating on the screen.  Wow!  How could I doubt his faithfulness and devotion to me, his child?


Child of God, 
April